Pages

Monday 13 January 2014

...New Year waffle

At 7:00am exactly this morning, an idea somehow slid out of the part of my brain where I keep my wildest fantasies and landed in the area where I do most of my rational thinking. Disguising itself as an actual possibility, it passed harmlessly on to the lobe responsible for speech and I found myself saying "I know - I will go to the gym today!"

If this had happened even a half hour later I would have been fine, the wee folks would all have been at school and I could have talked myself out of it, no harm done. Critically, the idea announced itself just as I was dishing out breakfast to my wee folks, they all heard it. I took a split second to try to work out whether I could just pass it all off with a huge belly laugh as one of 'mummies little jokes', but an expression of pure admiration and a slowly exhaled "a..w..e..s..o..m..e.." from the face of my middle child cut the legs right out from under that idea.

I'm here to tell you that I know for a fact that Darwin had the whole thing all wrong. I am descended from bears, I know this. The closer it gets to winter the more I want to hibernate. Eat and hibernate. This year for some reason I have been feeling especially 'hibernaty'. It felt like I hadn't stood still in so long that needed to stop. I took a complete break from work and spent time with the wee folks and I ate. I ate like a bear. Pretty soon I began to look a little bit bear-like... a little more rounded, in all the wrong areas... we've already discussed my lack of frontal upholstery on this blog, but I have no trouble adding protective packaging to the posterior...

So I went to gym. I'm a pushover for a wide-eyed 10 yr old. lets face it, I'm a push over for a wide- eyed any-year old.... this is what happens when you grow up with a mother who encourages you at every turn, you learn to do stupid things, just because it causes somebody you love to smile.

I don't actually possess gym garb, but I figured folks only go the gym to get all sweaty. Nobody cares what you wear. I liberated some tracksuit bottoms from DH's half of the cardboard box we are currently using to 'feel out' wardrobe space in the new house and paired those suckers up with a baggy T. Brand new white trainers, sale bargains from 7 years ago last November, I remember this as I was heavily pregnant at the time and I knew that some day those swollen feet would go down. Ha!

Thankfully the gym was empty, and I worked my way through memorising every detail so I can bask in the admirational glow of my offspring later that evening, I conquer each machine easily. Ok so I'm working on weights that are 10k below where I'm supposed to start, but you can't rush these things y'know, and I still have a slight temperature....

At 'half time' or whatever you call it, I popped down to the tuck shop for a bottle of water, and a quick chat with the manager and a few folks in the foyer. Chuffed with how encouraging everyone is, I pop back upstairs for the second round half.

Totally befuddled by the running machine, I just couldn't get that beast turned on and while I'm standing there, feet wide apart on the sideboards, poking every button I can find, twice, trying to get the thing to waken up, I hear a dull thud. Brain interprets this through the noise of the specially purchased 'running tracks' pounding through my ipod as the sound of the the heavy door at the foot of the stairs clanging shut. Out of the pink and purple nowhere, I have this sudden urge not to look a fool, nor to ask the dumb question "How do you tun this thing on?" and so I leap off the sideboards, completely forgetting that I clipped my T to the handlebars just like it told me to.

I'm pretty sure that 'Miss Gymtastic 2014's' first eyeful of yours truly included actual square yardage of paisley patterned undergarment and square inch-age of armpit shadow that made fatal the decision not to depilate this morning. Her second eyeful was most likely the gracefully synchronised arcing of a pair of headphone earbuds simultaneously disengaging the ears with a discernible 'pop' when they broke seal with my ear drums as the back of my head followed my body instinctively diving for the corner where they keep the rowing machines. I am safe in that corner.

I have the shoulders of a swimmer, hugely ironic, given that I can't actually swim but I settled down anyhow for a spell on the rower. I can row. I switch the resistance to about half way, I cast off and picture myself sailing down the river, I'll have a few km's under my belt in no time. Nice steady pace. I'm breathing, I'm vizualising, a little trick I picked up from Jessica Ennis. Eyes closed. It's a warm summer day, sunlight glinting near the reed beds, bees buzzing, butterflies butterflying, birdies tweeting along the tow path -  ooh look there's Ratty and Mole on the river bank, Mr Toad is dropping a line in, bliss, only the sound of the chain wheel spinning as I stretch and pull in beautiful rhythm.

Miss Gymtastic 2014 has a motor boat. She flipped the resistance up to maximum before she even landed in the seat. She wears shorts. Short lycra shorts. Short lycra shorts with neon speed stripes. She has NO hair on her legs. When she pulled back on the grips, the chain came out of the housing so fast it could have sawn a log in half. The scream of that chain, back forward back forward, waves were crashing on the shore, reed beds flattened, all my little butterflies and birdies exploded like bubbles. I sat beside her for 4 minutes rowing like an elderly wildebeest. I figured 4 minutes was the least time it would take me to establish the fact that I wasn't really running away, but was actually just finishing my prescribed session.

On the upside I had a half hour extra to figure out what version of the story to tell the 10 yr old when she comes home from school.

34 comments:

  1. Cute story - love the way you describe things! Hang in there at the gym, it will get easier!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are so much braver than me! Thanks for making me smile though:)

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's a good start at least you go the gym...I'm still staying in the room imagining I exercise :P

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh my - toooo funny! I loved every bit! And feel your pain - literally - started gym-ing this past week myself. Persevere, Claire, if for no other reason than the tales you can tell!

    ReplyDelete
  5. *Clap, clap, clap* Right there with you! I am going to find the courage to try the gym.. my daughter works at one.. so i guess i can get her to help me... but what to wear was my first question... no lycra in my wardrobe!

    ReplyDelete
  6. You do make me giggle, Claire! Glad this doesn't only happen to me. I had a 6 foot tall, long-legged goddess wearing tiny Lycra hot pants pick the treadmill next to me last week. Seriously, the other treadmills were free, but she picked this one. I went from runner to oompa loompa in no time!
    Bravo for getting yourself to the gym. One day we'll thank ourselves for the personal humiliation we put ourselves through! ;D

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you Claire - that was brilliant. My husband and I thoroughly enjoyed your gym session. We must do it again sometime! :) :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Kudos to you Claire for at least getting to the gym!! Tomorrow will be much better......... You are going tomorrow right???!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you, thank you for the giggle. I am full of admiration for your determination. Maybe we should start some kind of post-Chirstmas support group on the exercise front!

    ReplyDelete
  10. LOL, you wildebeest!!!!
    Keep up the good work. For yourself, not said 10-year-old. I'm with you on the hibernating bear... it's really hard to get outta the cave this year.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This made me smile BIG - love your way with words Claire.

    ReplyDelete
  12. What a fantastic post today, I think you should write a book, you have such an original way of describing and telling a story. I really enjoyed it and it left me with a smile on my face for quite some time. I could imagine myself in the same position as you and it would have turned out just as your visit did, with me not able to wait to get out of there.
    Lorraine

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh so funny! I am dearly clinging to the thought that I may have lost a bit of my excess baggage just laughing my way through your post! This seems to eternally be my experience at the gym, so discouraging that I never will have the will to attain Ms.
    Gymtastic status. I too am descended from bears, if said bears live on hastily grabbed biscuits, because they suddenly realised at 2 pm that they forgot lunch!

    ReplyDelete
  14. What a clever mind you have Clarie! The descriptions are nothing short of miraculous. I would say you could write books but I don't want to lose you. And it is a tough transition with holidays and moving and getting used to the new house and missing the old neighbors. You are allowed some slack. Do enjoy the gym but don't envy anyone else. You never know what they are going through and even though it looks good on the outside, the inside may be a mess.

    ReplyDelete
  15. LOL - good for you! I've escaped by never actually verbalizing this particular thought. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  16. You go, girl! (I say this with brownie crumbs falling from my lips.) I love your stories, Claire!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Claire you are a brave soul! And a fantastic storyteller! I am smiling big! :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh ...how I enjoyed your trip to the gym! I will live through you! You will soon be the one going fast ...I just know it!

    ReplyDelete
  19. lovely story, great nod to Wind in the Willows too! so funny!x

    ReplyDelete
  20. so it was you next to me. :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. You are hilarious! Love the way you think! Thank you for the best read in ages!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I laughed out so loud that I had to read your whole post to my DH, I wasn't laughing at you...no soirée.... I was laughing with you. Everything about this post was me one year ago getting on a push bike only to find out it has 24 gears unlike the last bike I was on that only had 3 (a chopper bike) tomorrow you will ache like never before but good for you Claire, it takes courage to take that first step.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh wait, you mean hibernating is not what winter break was meant for?! Wishing you a happy new year!

    ReplyDelete
  24. You have just made my day! Oh, how I love you and your waffles. :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. This verbiage caused my morning to start off with a smile (and, a "get off your rear and do SOMETHING kick in the pants!!)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Oh Claire, loved your post! I'm a hibernator as well - the weather turns and it's "give me chocolate, tea, and a warm blankie, and happy I'll be." It's tough, making yourself head to the gym, but once you are done, wow, the satisfaction. Way to go and keep it up!

    ReplyDelete
  27. While I just saw this...
    I'm so far behind on so much and while I love them all...
    I'm ready for kids and hubby to get back to a regular schedule so I can do some catching up of my own...
    but I believe I told you about my personal experiment last year that was a massive fail of epic proportions...
    so I invested in a home treadmill.
    No Lycra anywhere! :)
    But I love your adventurous, brave spirit!
    Hope to hear more of your adventures soon! :)
    Hugs!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I sat and laughed through your lovely story!! :-D You really need to be a writer (as I've told you many times!) big hugs to you, my hilarious Claire!! Your descriptive ability paints a vivid picture for the reader! I hope the rest of your New year is all upwards from here!! Hugs, H in Healdsburg

    ReplyDelete
  29. Seriously cracking up as I sip my glass of pinot! What a good read! You better keep on writing! You have quite the gnack for it. :)

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hi Claire

    Finally I had the time to read this long post and I can say it put a big smile on my face this morning. I smiled (and sometimes had to laugh out loud) because of your wonderful and humorous description of your day at the gym. I think it's great that you went there, even though it seems as it was quite a hard day for you... But at least you went there to do some exercice, that's a good thing.

    If ever you don't want to continue going to the gym you could start writing a book as you certainly have a good way of describing things.

    Have a nice day!

    Kind regards
    Carola

    ReplyDelete
  31. oh my word I am so glad I went back one more post...YOU ARE A HOOT Claire! You're my new hero! ha ha ha~I love it. I'm wrapped in a heat blanket and just smiling at how brave you are and glad it's not me. I lost a few pounds this week with the flu...seriously, coughing felt like my ab work out. I think I got off easier! ;) Proud of you! Keep the stories coming...

    ReplyDelete
  32. Oh my goodness, Claire, this had me in stitches! Mainly because it sounds just like me! At least we'd make perfect gym buddies. I've been considering this a lot recently but really need to go somewhere where nobody knows me, so considering this is NI and somebody knows somebody who knows me, my best bet is probably to to overseas!! Keep up the good work anyway!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Absolutely brilliant. Lovely story, many loud laughs and I feel so much better. Thanks for brightening my day!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for taking the time to comment, :) I read them all and I appreciate you taking time to visit!